fftf: my pandemic love story 😍

Hi friends!

Instead of food content today, I’m going to tell you a personal story / big life update.

I’ve been dragging my feet for weeks, debating how and if I should share this… but it’s a pretty good story, and this newsletter feels like a place I want to tell it. And ultimately it IS relevant because it directly affects my cooking and my life, which is the foundation from which I write and work :)

The update: I got engaged at the end of April! To an amazing man that I met on Tinder in August 2020 - my miracle, whirlwind Covid romance. Here’s the story:

I’m one of those people who has known since age 10 that my main goal in life was to get married and have a family. I am a baby person through and through; as the oldest of four, I have always loved taking care of small humans.

A friend recently described something as her "personal Everest" and it really hit me: dating has always been my "personal Everest"… an area of life that felt strangely hard and complicated.

I believe in getting help when things are challenging, so in the past couple years I had invested a LOT of time, effort, and resources trying to "improve" my dating life.

Dating coaching? Yup.
Therapy? Check.
All the dating self-help books and online courses? Done and done.
Dating apps? Obviously!
Getting set up by a priest-friend? SURE, why not!
Impressing dudes with my food in hopes of a connection? Oh you better believe I exhausted that one.
You name it, I tried it in the pursuit of love.

By January 2020 I was finally feeling really great about where I was: "THIS WAS GONNA BE MY YEAR!!" Then of course, the pandemic hit, and on that mid-March, "we’re all gonna die" day… I took stock of my life and realized that if I died in this pandemic, the thing I would be the most sad about was that I didn’t get to experience the long-term, committed partner love I deeply desired.

As the summer of 2020 wore on, the loneliness of being single in a pandemic was inescapable, palpable, and ultimately - a catalyst. I spent countless nights alone in the dark, sobbing on my yoga mat. I’m talking heaving, can’t-breathe, can’t-talk kind of sobbing. At first I tried to pick myself up/talk myself out of it: "So many people have it so much worse than you. Are you really crying because you don’t have a boyfriend?!"

But the pain was real. And without the distractions of my normal life, I was forced to feel it all. For a solid three weeks I finally let myself simply sit in the sadness pit. It was the opposite of fun, but it was actually really interesting when I let myself hang out down there for a while.

I realized that I simply couldn’t control this piece of my life. I could give it my best effort - and I felt confident that I absolutely had - but ultimately I couldn’t will a partnership into existence.

After 8 years of efforts and no relationship success, I was exhausted. I was spent holding out hope. I determined that there was no good reason it wasn’t working for me - I couldn’t explain it, and I had done everything I could. And so I had to accept the reality that maybe it would never happen.

At the bottom of the sadness pit I also felt… a common humanity. I know that sounds really weird. But I felt - this rawness - the pain of human existence. I thought about how there are lots of different flavors of pain and sadness - the loss of a loved one, the trauma of something really horrible, injustice, a longing, a betrayal, a failure or a tragedy. This particular flavor was mine - an unfulfilled deep desire - really just the desire to be loved (in that specific, partner kind of way).

I also realized down there that there are some things in life that will just always make you sad. And I concluded that if I didn’t find this kind of partner love, if I didn’t get the chance to have kids with a partner, I would simply always be sad about it. It didn’t mean I couldn’t still have a wonderful, fulfilling-in-other-ways kind of life, but I would always be sad about this unfulfilled dream. Accepting that wasn't fun, but it helped a little.

At the end of my summer-of-sadness, and after those final 3 weeks in the deep pit, I emerged a little lighter, and with a new outlook. I would reimagine my pursuits, open to more creative options! What cool things could I do if I never had kids or a husband? I had always mainly used Hinge, the "relationship" app, but I got on Tinder - because why not check out the "Wild West" of dating apps? Maybe there’d be cooler people to meet there since I was no longer only looking for a husband.

WELP. About five days after I "gave up" on finding a partner… literally my first day on Tinder... I matched with my now-fiancé. (I DETEST the fact that all those "It will happen when you least expect it!" people were right! UGH)

At that point he was "just another ‘match’ that will probably never turn into anything," although he did impress me by actually reading the book I told him I was reading (all about love by bell hooks - FITTING!). I agreed to a zoom date. I remember it being ok - nothing to write home about - but at the end I agreed to an in-person date, only my second IRL date of the pandemic.

On the way to the date I left a friend a voicemail, ending it with: "By the way I’m walking to a Tinder date right now - I think my first, ever?, so just in case I die, you know where I went!"

It was super hot that day in SF, very rare. We had done the whole "how many people are you seeing? / are we wearing masks?" strange pre-date covid protocols beforehand. When I saw him we took off our masks and in my head a little box got checked: "yes. he’s cute."

We sat on the beach talking for a while, then got some food, followed by ice cream. We ended up on a park bench around 4pm, at which point I asked him… "So… have you… not touched ANYONE? For all of Covid?" He said No, so I was like, "Well, I would like to give you a hug." I went in for the hug… which turned into a kiss… which completely transformed the date to pure magic as we proceeded to have very deep chats (in between hugs and kisses) for the next 5 hours, barely realizing that the sun went down and not caring about or noticing anyone walking by.

He told me that he was looking for a partner, that all he really wanted in life was to have a family, and he was ready to go. He asked me what I was looking for. I didn’t know how to answer, I had just given up and re-calibrated this goal!!! "I want to be in love," I said, looking off in the distance to try to hide the tear that was falling down my cheek. Luckily it was getting dark so I hoped he didn’t see it. He just took my hand and squeezed it and kissed it and I felt deeply understood.

When we parted, we agreed we both had never had a date that felt so connected. As I walked home, I noticed that I felt SO CALM. Calm and peaceful, all tension was gone from my body. It felt like… inner peace and just "whoah. this is different."

The next morning I woke up to a text - it was a voice recording of him reading me this poem:

On Joy and Sorrow by Kahlil Gibran

Then a woman said, Speak to us of Joy and Sorrow.
   And he answered:
   Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
   And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
   And how else can it be?
   The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
   Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
   And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
   When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
   When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.

   Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
   But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
   Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.

   Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
   Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
   When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

——
We went on to have five dates that week. At the end of the weekend we deleted our dating apps and decided to be exclusive. And we’ve been pretty inseparable since then. In November he came home to hang with my family for 12 days. In February we started talking seriously about our wedding, and in April we went to Hawaii to get engaged.

Another thing I had realized last summer when I was in the sadness pit was that even if I DID find a partner… that would be no guarantee that I’d get to keep him, or that I’d have a happy life, or that everything would go perfectly from there on out. Of course - as the pandemic taught us - there are really NO guarantees, EVER. And that helped me embrace my preferred outlook - that all we can really do is savor the experience of life - the good and the bad, the joy and the sorrow. All are relevant and worthy of our attention in the course of this wild ride: being human.

Even though I got what I wanted - I have to tell you that the pain and sadness of this summer still comes back up, even now. It’s right there, just on the other side of my newer, deeply carved joy. And I still feel it: the pain of feeling unworthy of love. Now, I just let it move through. It helps me empathize with others’ pain, in all its flavors. And it helps me remember to be present to all my experiences, and to learn from whatever they have to teach me.

And that is my pandemic love story.

On a lighter note, I have to tell you that, from a career + cooking perspective, I have been EAGERLY AWAITING this big life change to see how it would expand my cooking horizons! I've been looking forward to the experience of cooking regularly for a partner/family because - growth! evolution! - and, of course, new content! 🤣 I'm excited to see what this change brings, and how it will help me relate to all of YOU and help you cook better/faster/easier for your partners and families. (And don't worry if you're solo, cooking for one will always be my home base.)

There have already been so many learnings that I’m excited to share and write about... Before I do, I figured you’d enjoy the back story. Happy weekend, and thanks so much for reading if you made it all the way through.

Love,
Jess

PS. My fiancé is very private (he doesn't share his personal musings weekly with an email list!), but I did get his permission to share a pic :)

Hi, I'm Jess! I help health-conscious, busy people transform their cooking from chore to lifestyle through intuitive cooking, which I teach through online classes, free content, coaching and more. This is my newsletter, Food for Thought Fridays, where I share highly actionable tips and inspiration to help you cook more intuitively (which makes cooking feel easier and SO much more fun!). Once a month, I share a recipe that's really worth making, and I only share those with my email subscribers. Sometimes the text above may include affiliate links, meaning (at no additional cost to you) I get a commission if you click through and make a purchase. This helps me to continue to share free content, so I would love it if you buy through my link! Thank you for supporting Garlic Press Jess!

I currently work + live on land that is the unceded territory of the Ramaytush Ohlone. And I can't wait to eat at Cafe Ohlone! Check out this article about them.